I have been mostly absent from this space, only showing my face + heart on rare occasion. I’ve searched long + hard for a reason. only coming up with poor excuses. somewhere along the way, unconsciously, this space I created morphed into something else entirely. I’d sit down to write + create and nothing would happen. the thoughts that had flowed freely from my insides to this space no longer felt worthy. the meaning behind why I started this + why I enjoyed it so much was forgotten. the thoughts that ran through my head now sounded a bit like this:
- do you make money?
- is it your full-time job?
- if you’re not making money, why are you spending the time?
- what value are you providing to others?
- why would someone visit your blog?
around the time these thoughts started, I was pregnant with our first baby + becoming a mom. it was uncharted territory. no part of my life or routine remained the same. I felt like a fraud. my days were spent learning how to be a mom + how our life looked now. as a new mom, what authority did I have to share about parenting? how could I provide any value to others if I was learning how to navigate my own life? the answer I came up with: I can’t. add to that less uninterrupted time, and it all fell away..
the shift from results to experiences.
recently I listened to liz adams, the voice behind hello adams family, speak to a similar experience to this. to creating content to produce a certain result. she recommended a TED talk that shifted her perspective. you can watch it here. her words spoke directly to the feelings I couldn’t put words to. I finally understood why I felt stuck, frustrated + defeated. I was no longer creating + writing for the experience. it had become about producing a result. if I was going to spend the time, there should be an achievable goal. a tangible result. monetary value. a purpose.
this space + the life I live are intended to be experienced. I am not motivated by results. I am motivated by experiences. that is who I am. it’s how I live my life. mindlessly shifting this space to create a result changed it all for me. why is doing something for fun not enough? if we’re good at something, why must it put food on the table? why do we require more? why isn’t “because it makes us happy” all the reason we need? I wonder if this is why “self care” is such a buzz now. we need a reason, a word, a definition for the things we do that don’t produce a result. other than enjoyment. let’s get back to enjoying the things we enjoy simply for that: joy.
there is value in stories. there is value in the process. there is value in sharing. there is value in showing up. there is value in being authentically yourself. there is value in joy.
do what brings you joy.
I am sorry for not sharing my stories, my process and my life as of late. but mostly, I am sorry for not showing up. for letting the lack of a tangible result stop me in my tracks. this space brings me joy and that’s all I really need from it. I sincerely hope you find value in the words I share. they come from my heart + everyday life. you may come away with an idea or a recipe, but maybe it’s just a story that let’s you know you’re not alone or go do what makes you happy, just because.